It’s a myth that healthy couples don’t argue. All couples experience conflict. The difference is that healthy couples learn how to argue well, in ways that build understanding rather than erode trust.

“Fighting fair” doesn’t mean avoiding disagreement. It means creating a safe emotional space where both people can express themselves without fear of blame, attack, or shutdown.

What Does Fighting Fair Look Like?

Here are the key principles of the Fighting Fair method:

The Fighting Fair Method includes:

• Using “I” statements instead of blame (“I feel hurt when…” vs “You never…”)
• Focusing on one issue at a time
• Taking timeouts if emotions run too hot
• Avoiding absolute language like “you always” or “you never”
• Repairing after conflict, even if no perfect solution was found

I’ve already made a video that goes much more in-depth on this topic, so instead of typing it all up again, you can watch the full video breakdown below:

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In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to respond from a place of defensiveness, frustration, or emotional overwhelm. But knee-jerk reactions often lead to escalation rather than understanding.

That’s why one of the most powerful communication skills couples can practice is learning to pause before responding even if just for a few seconds, to gather their emotions and actually think about what they are trying to communicate. I know, I know, you’re thinking that this is highly impractical in your busy day-to-day life, and you might not be wrong, but the point here is that if you’re stuck in a pattern of conflict and have not been able to break the cycle, then these kinds of interventions, while impractical and time consuming, are absolutely essential to the health and recovery of your relationship.

Why It Matters

When emotions are running high, your nervous system may go into fight/flight/freeze mode, which quite literally shuts down the rational part of your mind by constricting the blood flow to this part of the brain. In this state, it’s difficult to listen, process, or speak with empathy, and huge (and destructive) emotional outbursts become much more likely. Pausing gives your brain time to re-engage your rational thinking and emotional regulation, so you can respond intentionally rather than react impulsively.

What Pausing Actually Looks Like

• Taking a breath before answering a difficult question.
• Saying, “Let me think about that for a moment,” rather than jumping to a reply.
• Asking, “Can we take a few minutes and come back to this? I want to be thoughtful in how I respond,” if you’re finding it hard to calm down with just a few seconds of time or a couple of deep breaths.
• Noticing your physical cues (e.g., tight chest, fast heartbeat) and taking them as signs to slow down, take a break, and come back to the conversation later (but make sure you do come back to the conversation, so that issues don’t get brushed under the rug).

Reflection Before Response

The pause isn’t just a break, it’s also a moment to reflect:

• What am I really feeling right now? Get really clear on what you’re feeling and what it is that you need in this moment.
• Am I responding to what’s happening now, or to something from the past? Separating the past from the present can be a huge awakening moment for many recurring conflicts.
• What outcome do I actually want from this conversation? Knowing what it is that you actually want is a huge step towards actually getting it.
• How can I express myself clearly and respectfully? If you do this, there is often no need to apologize or have regrets later about how you carried yourself.

This self-awareness often leads to more constructive conversations and reduces miscommunication, and is key aspect of healthy communication.

A Shared Practice

You and your partner can agree to use a pause as a shared tool. For example:

• “Let’s both take a moment to collect our thoughts before we keep going.”
• “I care about this too much to rush it. Let’s slow it down.”
• “Let’s come back to this in (5/10/30) minutes.”

Over time, pausing becomes less about withholding your feelings and more about honoring the relationship and giving it the best chance of deeper connection, not just immediate relief.

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So many arguments between couples are not actually about the surface issue, the dishes in the sink, the vacuuming, or whatever. They’re actually about unspoken emotional needs hiding underneath that have not been aired out or resolved properly.

Maybe the argument starts over chores, but what’s really being expressed is a need for appreciation. Or maybe one partner seems “controlling” about schedules, when the underlying need is for predictability and shared planning.

The point is that when couples learn to identify and speak to these deeper needs, the tone of the conversation often shifts from conflict to care. Where once we used to fight about why the dishes are not done, we can now communicate the anxiety we feel when the house is messy which has two immediate benefits: 1) your partner does not feel attacked, which doesn’t put them in a defensive position and helps avoid many conflicts, and 2) understands clearly what is going on in your internal world (because you are communicating that with them appropriately) and recognizes that, while you are asking something from them, you are owning up to your own emotions in this situation.

Why We Struggle to Name Our Needs

Many people weren’t raised in environments where it was safe (or even encouraged!) to express emotional needs directly. And even people who were raised in healthy households never had to learn how their particular partner communicates (yes, people have different communication strategies!). Instead, needs get expressed as criticism, blame, or withdrawal, as passive aggressive comments, or simply get brushed under the rug and ignored until one day they explode out of us and leave our partner confused and thinking “was [insert small inconsequential event] really that big of a deal?” Well, no, but the emotional outburst wasn’t about the small inconsequential event at all.

On the other hand, when you learn to name your needs clearly and vulnerably, it reduces defensiveness and invites empathy in a way that is constructive and deepens your bond with your partner.

Compare:

• “You never listen to me.” → “I need to feel heard and understood.”
• “You always come home late.” → “I need to feel like we’re prioritizing time together.”
• “You’re so cold.” → “I need comfort and closeness when I’m hurting.”

The second version in each example speaks from the heart rather than from anger, and gives your partner a chance to show up for you by explaining to them your state rather than nitpicking them. Also notice how our strategy from “fighting fair,” using “I” statements, is showing up here again?

How to Practice This

• Before a difficult conversation, ask yourself: What do I really need right now? Again, taking a second and checking in with yourself can often make all the difference.
• Practice using “I feel ___ because I need ___” statements. For example:
  “I feel disconnected lately because I need more quality time together.”
• Stay curious about your partner’s underlying needs too — sometimes the issue isn’t what it seems on the surface for them either, and while we’re learning how to communicate more effectively, we can probably also put ourselves in our partner’s shoes from time to time as well.

Turning Conflict Into Connection

Naming needs doesn’t mean you’ll always get them met immediately. But it creates a space where both partners feel seen and valued, which is one of those small actions that builds a huge mountain of trust over time. Often, even when a solution isn’t immediately available, the simple act of having your need understood can be healing in itself. And if nothing else, learning to name your needs can be a way to avoid useless and unnecessary fights.

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Every couple has topics that tend to bring up more tension that expected, whether it’s finances, intimacy, parenting, past betrayals, or just long-standing patterns of disagreement. What matters isn’t whether these topics exist, because they do in every relationship; what matters is how you approach these difficult conversations.

In many relationships, hard conversations usually happen reactively, often in moments of stress or disconnection. One partner brings something up unexpectedly or as a result of some form of overwhelm, and the other feels blindsided or cornered and responds defensively or emotionally. The result is often a defensive spiral: “We’ve already talked about this a hundred times!” or “Why are you bringing this up again?” or worse, silence, stonewalling, and withdrawal.

That’s why strong couples develop clear signals for initiating and managing difficult conversations. Think of these signals as a kind of emotional traffic light system—a way to slow things down, reduce reactivity, and make sure both people are in a mindset to connect rather than protect.

Some practical strategies include:

• Scheduling conversations: Saying “Can we talk later today about something that’s been on my mind?” gives your partner a heads-up and avoids surprise confrontations. I know it doesn’t sound “sexy” to plan a difficult conversation, but the other option is to do it without a plan and hope for the best, and we all know how often that works out.
• Using soft start-up phrases: Phrases like “I’d love to share something, and I’m nervous about how to bring it up,” or “There’s something important I want us to figure out together,” invite collaboration rather than criticism, which as we know from “fighting fair,” makes a big difference in the way your partner is able to show up for you.
• Agreeing on pause signals: Some couples create nonverbal signals (a hand gesture, a word like “time-out”) to pause a heated exchange and revisit it when emotions settle. It’s almost always unwise to continue a difficult conversation when emotions start to rise, so use the pause and reflect strategy to avoid this trap.

These strategies are about making it more possible to face those truths together—with less blame and more care, and using them appropriately and intentionally is likely to increase the chance that the conversation will be successful (meaning that there will be some sort of agreeable resolution without too much negative emotion). They show that you respect not just your own emotions, but your partner’s capacity to engage meaningfully.

Learning to signal well is an act of love. It turns conflict into an invitation for deeper connection, and creates the emotional safety that makes real communication possible when you’re discussing hard topics. This is what real “adulting” looks like.

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Good communication isn’t just about sharing feelings or venting frustrations — it’s also about taking action together and moving forward on previously challenging or “stuck” situations.

Many couples fall into a pattern of having the same conversations over and over without ever really doing anything to change the underlying issue. They talk about what’s wrong, express emotions, maybe even empathize with each other, all well and fine and important even. But when it comes time to take action, nothing changes. And often times the biggest reason is that the argument or discussion itself acts as a method of de-escalating emotions, and by the time action is required, the emotions are not there anymore to encourage change. The problem is that without the change in behaviour, those same emotions are likely to pop up again because despite talking about the issue, nothing has fundamentally changed.

Effective couples know how to turn dialogue into decisions and action. After emotionally connecting and understanding each other’s perspectives, they ask the practical next question:
“What are we going to do about this?”

That might look like:

• Agreeing on clear, specific actions that each partner can take, and checking in regularly to make sure those targets are being met.
• Setting boundaries around recurring stressors (e.g. work calls during dinner, in-law visits).
• Creating shared goals like scheduling a weekly check-in or setting aside time for intimacy.
• Dividing responsibilities more clearly so that resentment doesn’t build.

Planning doesn’t mean rushing to solutions. Rather, it means recognizing when a conversation has reached a point where structure is more helpful than more discussion.

As a therapist, I often tell couples: “Honest conversation opens the door to the heart, but actions build up the relationship.” When you make even small, collaborative plans together, you reinforce the sense that you’re on the same team, working together to build something meaningful. As I’ve also said before, words are easy to say, but actually acting on what you’ve agreed on builds trust powerfully, and trust is the bedrock of any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise.

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If you found this content useful, you may want to check out some of the other similar content I have:

• Couples Therapy FAQ
• Attachment Styles
• Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal