Table of Contents:

1. “We love each other, but we keep fighting. Why does this keep happening?”
2. “What if we’re just too different or want different things?”
3. “We’re not fighting, but we feel emotionally distant. Can therapy still help?”
4. “Can our relationship survive infidelity?”
5. “Can couples therapy help if one of us already wants to leave?”
6. “What if one of us doesn’t want to go to counselling?”
7. “What actually happens in a couples therapy session?”
8. “What if my partner won’t open up?”
9. “Do we always attend sessions together?”
10. “How long does couples therapy take?”
11. “What if therapy makes things worse?”
12. “Can therapy help us decide if we should stay together or break up?”
13. “We’ve tried therapy before and it didn’t work. Why would this be different?”

“We love each other, but we keep fighting. Why does this keep happening?”

It’s more common than most couples realize: love is present, but the same painful arguments keep looping. Often, these repeated conflicts aren’t just about the topic at hand (like dishes or texting habits), they’re about underlying emotional needs and patterns that aren’t being recognized or safely expressed. They’re about deeper unmet needs for respect, security, emotional closeness, or feeling like a team.

In many relationships, one partner tends to pursue (bringing up issues, seeking closeness), while the other withdraws (shutting down or avoiding conflict). Over time, this dynamic becomes a cycle that fuels frustration, loneliness, and defensiveness for both people, even when love is still strong.

Couples counselling helps you:

• Understand what’s really happening underneath the arguments
• Break out of reactive loops and blame
• Build safer ways to express needs and feel heard
• How to “fight fair” so that both partners feel heard and get their concern addressed

Attachment-based therapies like EFT don’t just teach conflict resolution skills, they get to the root of why you feel so reactive with one another. We look at how your negative cycle escalates, and work to replace it with a pattern of connection, not blame. With the right kind of support from an unbiased third person like a couples therapist, couples learn to manage their emotions even during heated discussions, and create resolutions to their problem rather than re-creating the same old argument over and over again.

“What if we’re just too different or want different things?”

When couples disagree about big life goals like having children, moving for a job, or changing lifestyles, it can feel like you’re at a crossroads. But differences don’t always mean the relationship is doomed. What often matters more is how you talk about your differences. Many couples worry that being “too different” means they’re fundamentally incompatible. It’s a valid fear, especially when your partner sees the world in a completely different way or reacts to things that don’t affect you the same way.

But the truth is, difference isn’t the problem, the disconnection is.

Differences in personality, values, or communication style don’t necessarily have to divide you. What matters is how you respond to those differences. If partners feel emotionally safe, seen, and respected, they can navigate disagreements or opposing needs without losing the relationship.

In therapy, we often explore:

• How each of you copes with conflict or stress
• What deeper needs lie beneath your surface differences
• How to stay emotionally connected even when you don’t agree

Being different can often become a source of strength for the couple if they learn to discuss their differences appropriately. If you learn how to move from opposition to partnership, then you can often fill in the gaps in each others’ skills and abilities and depend on each other to accelerate your life’s success. And that’s a skill you can absolutely learn. Couples therapy helps you move out of either/or debates and into a space where both partners’ needs matter. Instead of trying to win, you learn to listen for deeper hopes, fears, and longings behind each position. Sometimes common ground comes from creative compromise, other times it comes from seeing your partner’s vision in a new light.

We don’t force consensus. We create clarity and emotional connection so that whatever decision you make is rooted in mutual care, not fear or resentment. Sometimes, the realization that a difference in life goals is simply incompatible for the partners forces a deeper realization that the relationship is not going to work in the long term. Some couples see this as a tragedy and a sign of failure, but I like to point out that, one way or another, these differences would emerge over time anyways, either in the form of resentment or discontent, or regret and anger. It’s my opinion that it is always better to get the facts out as early as possible, so that the couple can make an informed and intelligent decision from a grounded place.

“We’re not fighting, but we feel emotionally distant. Can therapy still help?”

Absolutely! Emotional distance is one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy. Feeling lonely inside a relationship is more common than most people think. And often, it’s even harder to address than conflict, because there’s nothing obviously “wrong.” You’re functioning, maybe co-parenting or sharing a life, but the warmth, intimacy, or connection feels faded or absent. It can happen when your emotional bids (like reaching out, sharing something personal, or asking for comfort) go unanswered or unnoticed. Over time, you may stop trying, and a quiet emotional gap grows between you.

That emotional gap can grow for many reasons:

• Life stress, parenting, or work burnout
• Unspoken resentments or unresolved pain
• Growing apart slowly over time
• Lack of emotional vulnerability or shared meaning

In EFT, we understand emotional distance as a signal not of failure, but of unmet longings, and a big part of the therapy process is aimed at helping both of you feel emotionally safe enough to talk, be heard, and actually feel closer again.. Most partners want to feel cherished, valued, and emotionally cared for. When that sense of safety fades, partners may shut down, become irritable, or just go numb.

Therapy can help you rebuild emotional intimacy, often by uncovering vulnerable feelings beneath the distance. When couples feel emotionally attuned again, warmth and affection often return naturally. Falling out of love may not be the end, it can be a call to reconnect in a deeper way. Relationship counselling helps you reconnect at the emotional level, not just the practical one. Together, we work to:

• Understand how distance formed (and what each partner needs)
• Rebuild emotional safety and curiosity
• Reignite a sense of closeness, purpose, or passion; whatever you feel is missing

You don’t have to be in crisis to seek support. If you feel more like roommates than partners, therapy can be a powerful way to find your way back to each other.

I’m Ari, a therapist working virtually in Calgary and across Alberta and specializing in helping couples reconnect. If this FAQ speaks to you, you’re not alone, and I’d love to support you further. Please reach out for a consultation.

“Can our relationship survive infidelity?”

Yes, but it takes time, honesty, and a willingness from both partners to do the emotional work. Many couples do rebuild after infidelity, and in some cases, they emerge stronger and more connected than before. But healing isn’t automatic, and regaining trust often takes time. It requires a safe, structured space where you can process what happened, rebuild trust, and understand the deeper layers of what led to the rupture. Rebuilding trust after infidelity or betrayal is one of the hardest things a couple can face, but it is possible with the right support. Betrayal trauma often creates deep emotional wounds: confusion, grief, anger, and a sense that your emotional world has been shattered.

In therapy, we’ll typically move through three key phases:

1. Stabilization — Creating emotional safety and boundaries, managing triggers, and allowing space for the betrayed partner’s pain.
2. Understanding — Exploring the meaning of the betrayal, the emotional context behind it, and each partner’s unmet needs or vulnerabilities.
3. Rebuilding — Re-establishing trust, creating new relational agreements, and restoring intimacy (if that’s the shared goal).

My role is to help both of you be honest, accountable, and emotionally present. Healing isn’t just about forgiveness or “moving on”. It’s also about creating space to feel the hurt, make meaning of what happened, and gradually rebuild emotional safety. In therapy, we don’t rush this process or take sides. We explore what the betrayal meant for each of you, how to take accountability, and how to repair the damage at an emotional level.

Infidelity doesn’t mean the relationship has to end, but moving forward requires intention, transparency, and support. Therapy helps you find out whether rebuilding is possible, and what that process might realistically look like for you. Using EFT, we help the injured partner express their pain in a way that touches the heart of the other, and we help the partner who hurt them respond with real empathy and presence, not defensiveness. From that place, trust can begin to grow again, not because the past is erased, but because emotional responsiveness is restored.

Read more about the role of therapy in betrayal and infidelity here.

“Can couples therapy help if one of us already wants to leave?”

Yes, therapy can still help even if one partner feels unsure or wants to leave. Although the path may be uphill, that uncertainty is often exactly why therapy can be so valuable at this stage.

It’s common for couples to enter therapy at very different places. One partner may be fighting to save the relationship, and he other may feel numb, hopeless, or emotionally checked out. This doesn’t mean therapy is doomed. It means you need a space to slow down, understand what’s really going on, and explore what each of you wants without pressure or blame.

In these situations, I often guide couples through what’s called discernment work, which is a focused process that helps you:

• Clarify whether your relationship is truly over or just stuck
• Understand the deeper patterns that brought you here
• Decide whether to commit to repair, pause, or part ways, with more clarity and less regret

Even if your relationship doesn’t continue, this kind of analysis can help you avoid a rushed or reactive decision, and give you both a deeper understanding of yourselves.

“What if one of us doesn’t want to go to counselling?“

It’s common for one partner to feel unsure or resistant about marriage counselling or couples counselling. Maybe they’re worried about being blamed, don’t believe it will help, or simply feel overwhelmed by the idea of talking about painful things.

Rather than forcing or pressuring them, it’s often more effective to talk about what’s not working in the relationship in a non-blaming way. You might say something like, “I’m feeling disconnected and I don’t know how to fix this on my own. I’d really like us to try talking to someone together.”

In many cases, just one partner starting therapy can begin to shift the dynamic. Some people warm up to the idea once they see that therapy is about understanding and reconnection rather than judgment or picking sides. If both partners can agree that the relationship matters, therapy can become a space where safety and change are possible.

The best couples therapists are those who are able to keep a neutral stance within the therapeutic space, and create a feeling of camaraderie and support with both partners. If one partner feels like their side of the story is not being heard or understood, then it is very likely that the couples therapy will not succeed. The counsellor must ensure that their relationship with both partners comes from a place of care, consideration, and a desire to understand, rather than one of blaming, finger pointing, or judgment.

“What actually happens in a couples therapy session?”

A typical couples session is a mix of conversation, exploration, and structure. You won’t just be left to argue while I watch, and it’s not about blaming one partner or “fixing” the other. In fact, one of the most important tasks for the therapist is to make BOTH partners feel like he is on their side, and working in their interest. This is why the therapist must never make one partner feel antagonized or ganged up on, even if the focus does end up on one person and their behaviour for a significant amount of time.

Here’s what you can expect:

• We begin by understanding your relationship dynamic – the patterns you fall into, especially during conflict or emotional disconnection.
• I’ll help slow things down so we can get underneath the surface issues and see the emotional needs and fears driving each person’s reactions.
• Together, we work on communication tools, emotional safety, and rebuilding trust or connection where it’s been damaged.

I also bring a balanced approach: part insight, part action. That means some sessions may feel reflective and deep, while others focus on learning how to talk in new ways, handle hard moments, or reconnect emotionally.

At other times, a fight may start to replay itself during a session. These can be difficult but fruitful sessions, where the counsellor has a first hand experience of the emotions and the mannerisms of each partner during the fight. By seeing a real example of a fight, I can help temper the discussion, prevent “overheating” and help refine the ways in which partners ask for their needs or discuss their feelings in real time.

“What if my partner won’t open up?”

This is a very common concern, and it often comes from a place of frustration and deep care. One partner wants to talk, connect, and work through things, while the other seems shut down, avoidant, or emotionally distant.

There are many reasons someone might have trouble opening up:

• They may fear conflict or being judged
• They might not have learned how to express emotions growing up
• They could feel overwhelmed and unsure what they even feel

It’s not always about not caring, although sometimes this can be the case as well and it’s good to get this information out in the open. But more often, it’s about not feeling safe enough to be vulnerable. This kind of “communication shutdown” is often a protective strategy, not necessarily a sign of disinterest. In emotionally focused terms, it may be a way your partner copes with overwhelm, fear of making things worse, or feeling criticized. This is sometimes called “stonewalling” in Gottman therapy, and it’s one of the key predictors of relationship distress.

In couples counselling, we help both partners understand the emotional triggers beneath these shutdowns. Instead of seeing each other as the problem, we explore how your pattern of disconnection is the problem. For the partner who struggles to open up, we go at a pace that feels manageable. For the one who feels alone in the emotional labour, we work on communication strategies that don’t lead to shutdown or escalation.

When both people feel emotionally safe and understood (even if that’s in very different ways) deeper conversations become possible and conversations that used to spiral or stall start to feel easier and more productive. You don’t have to keep having the same one-way talks or blowups. With support, communication can become more balanced, honest, and emotionally connected.

“Do we always attend sessions together?”

In most cases, yes. Couples sessions are designed for both partners to be present, because the relationship itself is the client and not one person or the other. The goal is to understand the patterns between you, and that requires both perspectives in the room.

That said, there are times when I might suggest brief individual sessions within the process. This can be helpful to:

• Understand each person’s personal history or emotional triggers
• Explore fears or blocks that are hard to express with your partner present
• Prepare for difficult conversations that need more support

These individual check-ins are always in service of the relationship, not about taking sides or turning therapy into a space for venting or keeping secrets. I’ll always be clear about when and why we’re doing them.

Ultimately, we always return to joint sessions so that you can learn how to navigate your challenges together in a new way.

“How long does couples therapy take?”

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but most couples start noticing shifts within the first few sessions, and meaningful change typically takes 6 to 20 sessions, depending on your goals, how stuck the patterns are, and how seriously each partner takes the process of therapy and, ultimately of change.

Here’s a general breakdown:

• Short-term (4–8 sessions): Focused on a specific issue or decision (e.g. a recent argument, parenting conflict, or transition).
• Medium-term (10–16 sessions): Working through communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or recurring conflict cycles.
• Longer-term (16+ sessions): Rebuilding after trust has been broken, recovering from infidelity, or deeply reshaping long-standing patterns.

What matters most isn’t just time, it’s how engaged both of you are in the process. If you’re open, honest, and willing to practice between sessions, progress can come surprisingly fast.

That said, therapy isn’t a forever commitment. My goal is to help you build the tools, insight, and connection you need so that you can move forward with more confidence and clarity, whether together or apart.

“What if therapy makes things worse?”

It’s a fair and honest fear and you’re not alone in feeling it.

Couples often worry that therapy will stir up buried issues, open old wounds, or lead to more fighting. And truthfully, sometimes things do feel harder before they get better. When you finally name what’s been avoided or misunderstood for a long time, the emotional intensity can rise and things can get more tense in the relationship.

But that’s not a sign that therapy is failing. Rather, it’s more often a sign that something important is finally being seen and addressed.

In our work together:

• I’ll help pace the process so neither partner feels flooded or ambushed
• We’ll build emotional safety as we go, not force big breakthroughs in session one
• You’ll learn tools to manage strong emotions, reduce reactivity, and reconnect when things get hard

Therapy doesn’t guarantee comfort. But when done well, it creates the kind of discomfort that leads to clarity, growth, and healing rather than destruction.

“Can therapy help us decide if we should stay together or break up?”

Yes, therapy can help you find clarity, even if the future of the relationship feels uncertain.

Sometimes one or both partners enter therapy unsure if they even want to stay together. That’s okay. You don’t need to have it all figured out before coming in. In fact, therapy is one of the best places to explore that uncertainty with support, structure, and care. When there is an unbiased third party in the room with you, it can help manage the strong emotions in a way that was previously difficult for each partner on their own.

In these cases, the work often focuses on:

• Slowing down reactive decisions (like leaving the relationship out of anger or staying in it out of fear)
• Understanding your patterns: what’s causing pain, what might be changeable, and what might not be
• Clarifying your values, needs, and hopes for the future
• Exploring what each of you is willing or able to commit to now

Sometimes couples use therapy to repair and move forward. Other times, therapy helps partners separate more peacefully and respectfully. Both paths are valid.

The goal isn’t to “save the relationship” at all costs. It’s to make sure whatever decision you make is informed, honest, and aligned with who you both are.

“We’ve tried therapy before and it didn’t work. Why would this be different?”

It’s frustrating and disheartening to seek help and feel like it didn’t lead to change. Therapy can fall flat for a few common reasons:

• The therapist didn’t feel neutral or didn’t manage the emotional dynamics well.
• It focused too much on surface-level advice without addressing the deeper patterns.
• One or both partners weren’t fully engaged, or didn’t feel safe enough to open up.
• Timing wasn’t right. Maybe things were too raw, or conversely, not urgent enough.

Here’s how this may be different:

• I focus on what’s underneath, not just who said what, but why, and how it fits into your emotional cycles.
• My approach is active and relational. I’ll reflect, challenge, and guide, not just nod or give you homework.
• You’ll both be seen. No one gets blamed, and no one gets left behind.
• Accountability is everything, and each partner will be encouraged to see and admit to their own part in the dysfunctional relationship dynamic
• We’ll move at your pace, and regularly check in about what’s working or not.

Even if previous therapy didn’t help, it doesn’t mean change isn’t possible. It may just mean the approach wasn’t the right fit, and finding the right fit can make all the difference. Like anything else, some people connect better to certain counsellors, and finding the right counsellor can be a challenge, especially when there are two people involved, each with their own differing needs.

If you’re currently looking for a virtual couples counsellor and have found this FAQ helpful, maybe it’s worth it to reach out to me and set up a consult to see if we’re a good fit for one another. You can also check out some other content I have on Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal and Communication Strategies for Couples. My Attachment Styles article can be really useful as well.